Lost For You... I'm So Lost For You...

I have been with many men in my life... All of which turned out to be just a phase or better stated... random mistakes... But there is one man in particular that has left a tremendous imprint on my heart... There is one man that has captured my soul entirely... One man that no matter how hard I attempt to escape... or hide from my truly intense feelings... (only because I cannot be with him...) I cannot free myself from...

He came into my life nearly eight years ago... He was different from all the rest... in so many ways... He was much older... entirely intelligent... so loving... and by far the sexiest man I have ever encountered... Immediately I was aware that my feelings for him were unusually dissimilar to any I had ever felt... From the moment I laid my eyes upon him I fell immediately in love... and not just high school childish love... it was deep within my soul love... an every part of my being love...

Over the years life has repeatedly brought us together and torn us apart... Each time I find myself falling in love with him all over again... deeper and deeper... It is the kind of love that as a little girl I grew up always dreaming about finding... the perfect love... an honest... a pure... a wholehearted love... a love that has changed my life forever...

I keep waiting for that beautiful fairy tale ending... I keep waiting for that moment that will make all the heartbreak... all the hurt... and all the holding on worthwhile... Yet at this point... as much as i wish for it... as much as i fantasize about it... as much as i dream about having a life with him... Unfortunately... I am unsure as to whether or not it will actually ever happen...

The only thing I am certain of... I absolutely love him...

Sunflower goodness...

A beautiful spring sky...

Interpretation

I see a face with an astonished expression... Hiding its vulnerability behind leaves and vines... The left eye closed and winking... The right eye open with a playful, raised eyebrow... The mouth dangling open in wonder...

Far Away

This time, this place
Misused, mistakes
Too long, too late
Who was I to make you wait

Just one chance, just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know
You know, you know

That I love you, I have loved you all along
And I miss you, been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand

I'd give it all, I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know
You know, you know

That I love you, I have loved you all along
And I miss you, been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore

So far away, been far away for far too long
So far away, been far away for far too long
But you know
You know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say

I love you, I have loved you all along
And I forgive you for being away for far too long
So keep breathing 'cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it, hold on to me, never let me go

Keep breathing 'cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it, hold on to me, never let me go
Hold on to me, never let me go
Hold on to me, never let me go

Damaged...

19 days sober... emotionally broken... exhausted and frustrated... my heart devastated... abandoned by my love... and unable to even masturbate without crying... the feeling of orgasm rushing over me... reminding me immediately of my darling... my mind and body feeling as if they belong to him... my soul entirely alone... my life drowning beneath constant wondering... will i ever be able to move on... or will i be forever shattered?

Grotesque

Obscure to the feeble minded
Unaccepted in life by most
Folding the boundaries of sanity
Faces frozen with blank stares
Spirits trembling at the sight
Fears fill the empty silence
Emotions tumbling into the unknown
Leaving upon the heart a black shadow
Burning an imprint upon the soul
Devastating all that is ordinarily known

Say, my love, I came to you with best intentions
You laid down and gave to me just what I'm seeking
Love, you drive me to distraction

Hey my love do you believe that we might last a thousand years
Or more if not for this,
Our flesh and blood
It ties you and me right up
Tie me down

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain
We're climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue
These things we cannot change

Hey, my love, you came to me like wine comes to this mouth
Grown tired of water all the time
You quench my heart and you quench my mind

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but
Sweet for certain
We're climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue
The things we cannot
Celebrate, you and me, climbing two by two, to be sure
These days continue, things we cannot change

Oh, my love I came to you
With best intentions
You laid down and gave to me
Just what I'm seeking

Celebrate we will
Because life is short
But sweet for certain
We're climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue
Things we cannot change
Things we cannot change

My darling...

When you are not a part of my life... I am deformed...

The Best Decision

For nearly 15 years of my life I have been on a downhill slide, making bad decisions and wasting away precious moments of my life. Searching endlessly for anything and everything that could possibly fill the empty void torturing and holding my soul hostage. Careless behaviors, drugs, men, more careless behaviors... followed by more drugs... and more men... and more drugs... and more men... and more careless behaviors... my life has been a circle of complete fucking misery, ignorance, and chaos for entirely too long.

I am tired of handing out bits and pieces of myself to men who honestly do not, and never will give a shit about who I really am as an individual. The feelings of emptiness, disgust, and regret would always follow. Not to mention the constant disappointment of never actually getting to have an orgasm. A pointless and meaningless cycle of going through the motions just for the sake of an attempt. Every time hoping it would somehow feel different the next time... hoping for once it would actually feel right... hoping it would somehow fill the void...

So then a million more careless behaviors and bad decisions later I get married... to a man that I know I am not honestly in love with... I knew it was wrong before I did it... I ask myself still... Why?... Another attempt to fill the void... A want to shift my already painful life in a different direction... A situation that I was guilted and bullied into... A situation that obviously did not have a chance at lasting... thank fucking goodness!!!

Typically you would think that I had learned my lesson by this point, having already shit a total of approximately 11 years of my life down the drain. Nope!!... I proceed to, for the second time, fall utterly head over heels in love with a man, who years before I had shared some extremely brief, but beautiful moments with. A man who since the first night I met him, captured my soul. A man that for the first time, truly filled the emptiness that had for so long plagued me. A man who came with a guarantee of at least five orgasms with every experience. YES!!! A man who although repeatedly confessed his undying love for me, refused to leave his wife. GASP!!! What a totally fucked up situation it was... Can't blame him for the outcome... I totally knew better... It just felt so perfect that I didn't care...

So here I am, at the been failing for fifteen years mark, starting a new year of my life... with a great big broken beautiful emptiness within my soul... and a determination to pick up and put back together the pieces of myself lying broken, and scattered upon the ground. Have I learned to quit making unwise decisions?... I guess only time will reveal the entire truth. But for now I have made one clear decision... the best decision that I have made for myself in a long time... after years of trying and failing, I have officially given up... the funny part is I do not feel defeated... I feel relieved and at peace... the void and emptiness have gone... No longer am I handing out random parts of myself... I have gathered the pieces back up and I am selfishly hanging on to all of me...

It feels fabulous...

Relentless

Daylight surrenders. Darkness
littered with stars, the night
sky is silent. Thoughts
about the day, voices question
life’s mysterious wanderings.
Freedoms of loneliness. Desires
overtaken by sorrows, hidden
beneath the surface. A
beautiful emptiness touches
secret memories, pleasuring
the soul as life moves on.

Sometimes I wish I could just wash it all away and begin a new life...

Gustav Klimt

Some days this feels like my life...