The Night

I lay in the dark, awake
My mind restless, my thoughts racing
The night is quiet and still
Shadows dance above me on the ceiling
I wait, wondering when sleep will capture me?

I wrestle beneath the covers
Searching for unfamiliar comfort
Breathing in the aroma of the night air
Overtaken by the surrounding loneliness
I wait, wondering when sleep will capture me?

I try to distract my mind from thoughts of him
Fantasizing about his touch, his kiss
His passion, all the things that I miss
I want him, I dream, I wish
I wait, wondering when sleep will capture me?

I ponder my hopes, my reality, my fears
Hoping somehow to get lost, to drift away
The moonlight shining brightly through the window
As if it were spotlighting my restlessness
I wait, wondering when sleep will capture me?

My mind begins to blur
My thoughts begin to fade
Loneliness and fear have gone
The uncertainty of it all begins to disappear
I wait, feeling as though sleep is lurking upon me...

My mind and body reluctantly succumb
My restlessness becomes a memory
I let go, I give into my dreams
I surrender to sleep entirely
Finally, I have been captured...

Pain, Hurt, Suffering......

My life has been an all inclusive vicious and endless cycle of hurt..... I have experienced pain in a myriad of different forms; psychologically, physically, emotionally..... Each one hurts in a different way.... each one takes a different form.... Through the years of analyzing, over thinking, and trying to escape all the suffering I have stumbled upon a question that I have repeatedly asked myself, but can never come up with a sure answer for. Of all the various types of hurt I have experienced, which one is the worst, which is the most painful? In order to try and come up with a clear response to this question I am going to use generalized ideas and breakdown each form of pain as I personally know, feel, and understand it; with the hopes that I may finally be able to answer my question....

Physical pain, no matter the form, is usually always temporary. There are extreme cases in which people get seriously maimed or permanently injured and suffer excruciating pain daily for the remainder of their lives, but for the purpose of this blog we are going to refer to physical pain in a generalized temporary sense. Both psychological and emotional pain are much more intense and damaging than physical pain. Emotional and psychological pain can be coupled together in the sense that they both commonly generate negative lifelong consequences, therefore.... physical pain is immediately ruled out as being the most painful.... it is when I begin trying to choose between the emotional and psychological forms that I begin to flounder.

When breaking down emotional and psychological pain I find myself having a hard time clearly separating the two. They are distinctly different yet correlated together as well. From my own perspective and experience, psychological pain seems to be my primary trigger element, and the emotional pain is my reaction to the psychological trigger. My psychological pain controls and affects my thinking process and my patterns of behavior. I do my absolute best to avoid people, relationships, and social situations because I have been tremendously wounded by the dishonest and disingenuous behavior of my previous relationships. I trust no one, and I often feel completely misunderstood and disconnected from the world and society that encompass me.

Emotional pain is different in the sense that it does not control your behavior or your thinking process. Emotional pain is typically the result of being reminded, having thoughts of, or having flashbacks of a painful experience. This is where, for me, the line between the psychological and the emotional begins to blur. Is it possible to experience emotional pain without first being psychologically triggered? Innumerable times I can remember being in the shower (my secret escape) on my knees, broken, and sniveling..... feeling as if I am unhurriedly dying inside..... I reflect, I ask myself, is it the psychological pain or the emotional pain that I feel ripping my soul from me?

I feel I have finally arrived at a judgement on this topic that I am utterly satisfied with. After the generalized analysis of both psychological and emotional pain I have finally answered the question I have been asking myself for so long..... Of all the various types of hurt I have experienced, which one is the worst, which is the most painful? Undoubtedly the answer is psychological hurt, it is the foundation of all suffering. It is the psychological twinge that is accountable for the evoking of the emotional pain. It is the psychological pain which possesses all the control.

Urination and Defecation Vs. Masturbation and Orgasm

Why do people think that when they become involved in a marriage/ intimate relationship with you that you need companionship while expelling bodily waste? I don't care how close the relationship/ marriage may be..... urination and defecation are two matters that should be handled in private; no exceptions.....

I find this matter to be very interesting, both conceptually and morally.....

So, to all you people that believe that pissing and shitting in front of someone else is not a big deal.... let me ask you this.... Would you be so willing to masturbate and orgasm in front of someone with just as much ease? Yes, go ahead and gasp.... I just compared urination and defecation to masturbation and orgasm.... Most people would protest that the subject matters are utterly different.... I disagree.... All can technically be categorized as private matters.... And, before I proceed if you have never masturbated to orgasm in front of someone your argument sucks and is completely invalid anyway, so shut the hell up and just listen.....

I myself have been married, and thankfully divorced.... during which time I was unfortunately given the experience of urinating and defecating with companionship.... entirely uncomfortable and wrong on so many levels.... Life has also given me the experience of masturbating to orgasm with companionship.... entirely recommended and utterly satisfying....

So we have established that conceptually urination, defecation, masturbation, and orgasm are all private matters.... I think everyone can agree upon this.... Morally I am going to present to you an opposing viewpoint about masturbation that I hope will alter your opinion on the stigma that accompanies it; a stance which I hope you will consider with an open mind.... Masturbating in front of someone is an act that most would label as being ethically unacceptable, yet for some unknown reason the expulsion of bodily waste in front of another is considered to be acceptable? This leads directly to the core of my argument....

Masturbating to orgasm in front of someone is an absolutely beautiful experience.... a very personal and very intimate experience.... a very passionate and expressive experience.... an experience shared between two lovers that is entirely revealing and brimming with sexual intensity.... a moment unlike any other I have ever experienced.... a moment of supreme pleasure.... Masturbating with companionship is merely a variation of intercourse.... intercourse is definitely not in the objectionable category.... So, what about masturbation really classifies it as being ethically unacceptable? Exactly, not a damn thing....

What part of shitting and pissing with companionship can be described as being a beautiful, pleasurable, and passionate experience? Is my point becoming any clearer? The expelling of bodily matter with companionship is, by leaps and bounds, more ethically unacceptable than masturbating with companionship ever could be....



So, I have stated my case.... In the matter of Urination and Defecation Vs. Masturbation and Orgasm.... the winner based upon sufficient evidence of absolute sexual gratification is.... drum roll please.... .... .... Masturbation and Orgasm.... Hell yes!!!!!!!

Impostors......

Do you ever just feel like you got randomly dropped off on this peachy planet we refer to as Earth, where people's ideals and lifestyles make no sense and everyday existence seems to be a pointless series of dim-witted events, left to try and coexist and survive in a world where cohesiveness does not appear to be an option?

This is exactly how I feel every moment of my life..... I am a very open minded individual and I am very open to hearing other people's ideas and opinions; every new perspective offers a learning experience. But, allow me to sound completely pretentious for a moment. Most people's lifestyles and ideals, as far as their actions divulge, are completely hypocritical of what they declare themselves to be. If questioned about their beliefs and why they possess them most people cannot even produce an answer of stature; without throwing the "because it is my religion" card or holding up the stupidity sign that reads "because that is what I have been taught." I feel so badly for other people when they display their complete unawareness of life and the world around them in ways such as these; although it does make for a great round of complete incompetent hysterical entertainment.

What ever happened to people choosing and knowing how to use their own minds? I am not sure exactly which the correct approach to that statement would be, but in any case; all are examples of complete ignorance. I personally don't buy the whole religion thing...... I mean seriously....... I am supposed to believe in something and live a certain way simply because God or because the populace feels it is the proper way? As for the whole, I am supposed to live my life according to family values, morals, and the things I have been taught? Totally not buying that one either...... I never believe without question the things I have been taught. Most of what we have been taught are merely the revamped beliefs and values of other people who lived before us.

It may sound as though I am bashing people who are religious or who follow the morals and values taught to them by their family, but that is certainly not the case. I am simply using these examples as complete proof that in most cases people do not know how to be independent thinkers. I am simply pointing out the fact that in most cases people do not use their own minds to learn and live their life as they truly should. Impostors.......

So, my point being...... If you are one of those people who repeatedly fails to be an independent thinker I insist that you stop for a moment and reevaluate your life. Here is my challenge to you. Take a moment and think about your morals, values, religion, and all the things you have learned thus far. Pick out one example to work with, an ideal that you think you already know nearly everything about, then take a moment to think about why it is you feel the way you do? Were your beliefs influenced or taught to you by someone else or are you living life truly for yourself? Pick out something that you feel very strongly about already, the stronger your belief the more fun it is to annihilate. And, if my challenge proves to be too much for you to handle then I have only one thing to say "Grow a set of balls...... you are never going to grow as a person or learn anything new being stuck inside of that totally lame life of yours."

I feel like I live in a world full of people who really have no clue about life and how they should really live it. I feel like I live in a world full of people who never take the time to think about life and what they say before vomiting out their under investigated stupidity in my direction. I am by no means advising anyone how they should feel or what they should specifically believe, but living life without possessing the ability to question, grow, learn, feel, and choose for yourself is a complete waste. It is impossible to have an honest point of view or be an independent thinker if you never stop to question anything or seek further knowledge.

You are killing me people...... stop wasting your life...... Stop being complete hypocrites...... and more importantly, stop irritating me with your stupid shenanigans and displays of complete uneducated nonsense.