It's Been Almost Ten Years Now...

Robert Andrew Maguire
9-14-97~1-19-02

Although it has been nearly ten years since the accident you are still very dearly missed. I find myself thinking of you often, feeling both sad and happy at the same time; smiling yet always holding back the tears. Somehow I still find myself wishing things would not have turned out this way. Somehow I still find myself questioning whether or not my decisions that day could have changed the final outcome; could I have rewritten your fate.

I remember that day all too well..... I spent nearly an hour talking with you on the telephone; you were trying to convince me to hang out with you for the evening. I on the other hand had already made other plans. I was going to hang out with a stupid man who in all actuality was wasting my precious time and life; for he was no good. No matter how you tried to convince me, I made the very foolish decision of picking a man over my best friend. You were slightly upset with me for choosing to hang with him over you, but at the same time you understood the predicament that I was in. You were always so understanding of my fucking up. You always did your best to give me the correct advice and lead me in the right direction. I never got the chance to tell you, but I really appreciated your friendship...

After our phone call I proceeded to get in the bath tub to get ready for my evening out. You were going to stop by my house on your way into town for one last round of trying to convince me to change my plans. As I was sitting in the bath tub I got this horrific vision, accompanied by some seriously gruesome thoughts. I suddenly got chills over my entire body, became extremely nauseous, and had a flash in my mind of you being in a horrible car crash; a crash that was so devastating that you did not make it through it alive. This image was accompanied by the exact thought that you stopping by my house before your outing would be the last time that I would ever see you again. Immediately after having the thoughts and visions I said to myself out loud, "That is an awful thing to even imagine up, I should not even let my mind conjure up such madness."

I was tremendously bothered by this, but I brushed it off as just being the craziness within my mind and went about my getting washed up. When you stopped by your visit was very brief, I had already made up my mind and was not willing to break my plans. You gave me the evil eye and some grief, but smiled and gave up. Before you left we were standing outside by your car talking; you kissed me. Although we were just friends at the time we had been discussing the possibility of our relationship progressing further. You had just returned from New Jersey so we were not rushing things, plus I still had a bad relationship that I had to figure out how to escape from first...

As you kissed me I remember that same gruesome thought flashing through my mind and I wanted so badly to beg you not to go, but I decided that rationally everything was going to be alright; so I didn't say anything. I let you walk away that day, leaving behind only a kiss and a smile...

The next morning it was approximately 8:30 am when I was sitting in the living room of my home and the phone rang. My mother answered it..... before she had time to even look at me I already knew. I knew it was the phone call that would change things forever...

On the phone was (.......), one of our greatest friends, bearing the news that you had been killed in a horrific car accident during the night. This was the moment that I would never escape from...

I was terrified and in shock all at the same time. My immediate response was to think if only I had been smart enough to quit wasting my time on a no good idiot I would have been with you, and maybe I could have gotten you home safely. Or, maybe if I would have just convinced you not to go the car wreck would not have happened. Or, had I gone with you maybe I would have been killed also. My mind became flooded with "What if" scenarios...

Sometimes when I look back on it all I feel like that was my one shot to alter life and reality, and I foolishly passed it up. I feel like I had the complete power to change your life forever and yet I didn't; I almost feel as if I just stood there and let you die...

I have only shared my visions with one person..... I still to this day have a hard time rationalizing it all.... Sometimes I feel like I am truly and absolutely crazy and it is all nonsense, but there is no denying what happened that day. My thoughts were so clear and concise that they stopped me completely in my path...

I will always regret and be haunted by my decision to not stop you that day. I feel like it was my responsibility to do so, and I let you down...

I am so very sorry...

I have always wanted to tell your mother the truth, but I fear it would only hurt her more. After all you are now gone and it is too late to alter the reality of what happened. It is probably best at this point to keep the truth a secret...

I often pass by the crash site and find myself questioning whether or not you are trapped out there alongside the road; your spirit wandering lost, trying to find a way back to the life and happiness you once knew. I hope that you have escaped this life and I hope that you are free; free from all the hurt and suffering...

I will always love you and miss you dearly... Although you are no longer with me, you will always hold a special place in my heart... The moments that we shared, I will forever cherish...

I guess the only explanation that I can make any rational sense out of is the old saying "everything happens for a specific reason." There is one thing though that I will never understand. Why did I have to know beforehand? It is, and forever will be such an enormous burden to carry...