Hidden

My world has always been odd
My entire life I've been alone
Appearing mostly normal on the outside
Feeling completely anomalous on the inside
Learning what I must do to fit in
Pretending as if it came naturally

Knowing my life would be different
Accepting all the consequences
I do not have any regrets about who I am
It is my peculiar individuality I cherish
Unpredictable and intense define my adventures
A story which is all except ordinary

As the days pass....

I sit on my bed.... smoking a joint.... listening to Dave Matthews.... thinking.... feeling.... alone, as always.... I have been wanting to write for so long now.... I have so much that I want to get out.... yet, I have no idea how to convey it all.... I am feeling so much.... my mind is constantly racing.... thoughts of school.... financial issues.... my love.... the beautiful life that for a brief moment I was foolish enough to think was mine....

I spend so much time thinking about how the decisions that I have made in the past still effect me very much everyday.... I ponder, wondering if life will ever give me what I truly want.... I wish I could express the feelings bottled up inside of me.... I feel like I have been through so much that I just want to sit silently.... I don't want to talk about it.... I don't yet know how to even approach dealing with it all right now.... half of me is withdrawn and hiding.... the other half of me wants to stand up and just scream like a fucking crazy person....

I have never felt such an intensity of emotion.... emotion that I cannot escape or hide from.... it has changed who I am completely and forever.... I have never been more pleased with myself, who I am inside, and my educational progress.... I have finally got my self heading in the right direction for once.... I have overcome an addiction issue.... yet, I still struggle when I begin hurting.... my first instinct is to medicate and hide from the pain.... but I have learned that it only blurs the reality of it all.... I have learned to face the hurt.... I have learned to suffer through it.... taking it moment by moment.... staying sober and conquering....

I work hard at trying figure out how to triumph over my eating disorder.... although I have not yet learned how to stop the crash cycle.... everyday I am learning more and more how to recover.... I have learned that it is triggered by emotional pain.... I can feel it coming.... I can feel myself spiraling down and crashing.... I don't have control yet.... I hope that one day I will overcome this also....

I am in denial about nothing.... I have learned to confront fear and pain.... fight until it all breaks me down.... then I get back up and start the entire wonderful cycle again.... I have gone from being afraid of it all to being pissed off.... I have this deep inner me that screams Fuck You at all the hurt, addiction, and disorders.... they may get me down, but I will get back up.... and I will be stronger each time.... until one day I will succeed....

I am a very determined individual.... it drives me.... I am a stubborn asshole.... sometimes to the point of foolishness.... sometimes I feel like the line between my being so big hearted and unwise becomes indistinct.... I have learned many lessons over the past few years.... some that have cost me an entire lifetime full of happiness.... some that have and will forever lead me through the difficult times.... the times when I feel like I am surrounded by failure....

I guess one way to look at it all is.... in order to experience absolute pleasure and joy you must first experience utter suffering.... I have reached a point in my life where I am ready, determined, and completely sure about pursuing exactly what it is that I want.... I know what I need.... I know what exactly it is that I want to feel.... I know where I want to be.... although I may not have access to all of my wants and needs at this very moment.... I will never surrender....

I will not let my losses, regrets, and hurt destroy me completely.... life is all about change.... I am learning to deal with this very harsh reality.... I am learning to let go of the past in order to make way for the next crazy series of events life is going to hurl at me.... as I push full force through the madness, I will always hold on to the hope that I will one day get exactly what it is that I want....

I want him to be mine, to hold on to forever.... I want my eating disorder and addiction to be just a fading memory.... I want to continue to conquer my fears.... I want to continue to chase my desires.... I want to continue to write.... I want to continue sorting out my emotions without medication.... I want to continue to dance through the adventures of life.... learning.... discovering.... changing.... and progressing....

I'll Back You Up

I remember thinking
I'll go on forever only knowing
I'll see you again
But I know
The touch of you is hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other
And for sure we have danced
In the risk of each other
Would you like to dance
Around the world with me

I'll be falling all about my own thing
And I know you're the heaviest weight
When you're not here that's hung
Around my head

And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest view
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I'll back you up

I remember thinking
Sometimes we walk
Sometimes we run away
But I know
No matter how fast we are running
Somehow we keep
Somehow we keep up with each other

I'll be falling all about my own thing
And I know you're the heaviest weight
When you're not here that's hung
Around my head

And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest view
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I'll back you up

Artwork I am fond of...

Title: The Arnolfini Wedding Portrait
Artist: Jan van Eyck
Year: 1434
Medium: Oil on oak panel
Dimensions: 32.4 in × 23.6 in
Location: National Gallery, London





















Title: A Bar at the Folies-Bergère
Artist: Édouard Manet
Year: 1882
Medium: Oil on canvas
Dimensions: 37.8 in × 51.2 in
Location: Courtauld Institute of Art, London




























Title: Suprematism
Artist: Kazimir Malevich
Year: 1915
Medium: Oil on canvas
Dimensions: 101.5 x 62 cm
Location: Stedelijk Museum, Amsterdam, Netherlands




























Title: Courtyard with Lunatics
Artist: Francisco de Goya
Year: 1794
Medium: Oil on tin-plated iron
Dimensions: 43.8 x 32.7cm
Location: Meadows Museum, Dallas, Texas




























Title: Archeological Reminiscence of Millet's Angelus
Artist: Salvador Dali
Year: 1935
Medium: Oil on panel
Dimensions: 31.7 x 39.3 cm
Location: Dali -Museum von St. Petersburg, Florida

The Study of Women

During my time in college I was a member of the Women's Studies program. Every time I have shared this tid bit of information with people, it never fails, they always have some smart ass comment to make. Most people immediately assume that the women's studies program is all about promoting the liberation and rights of women, but there are so many more interesting aspects that most are entirely oblivious of. So until you have studied the matter further, you should take your uneducated wise ass remarks and stuff them up your fat ass...... But, for all those that are intelligent enough to open your mind and realize the interesting potential of the topic matter, check the awesomeness of this shit out..... Here are some photographs and some historical information on several torture devices commonly used on women during the Medieval times.....

The Chastity Belt

The chastity belt is a locking item of clothing worn mostly by women, designed to prevent rape, sexual intercourse, or temptation. Some of the devices were designed with additional features to also prevent masturbation. It was most often a jealous husband, or sometimes a controlling father, who enforced the wearing of the locking mechanism. The term “chastity belt” is also used as a metaphor in modern English to apply over protectiveness. The term carries a derisive connotation and may also imply that the subject is antiquated, or is cumbersome, or provides unnecessary or unwanted protection. According to modern myth, the chastity belt was used as an anti-temptation device during the Crusades. When the knight left for the Holy Lands on the Crusades, he would force his lady to wear a chastity belt to preserve her faithfulness to him. There is no credible evidence that chastity belts existed before the 15th century, more than one hundred years after the last Crusade.

The Iron Maiden

A mantle of infamy for women and girls during the 16th century, the iron maiden is in fact a sarcophagus. The only two main differences are that it has tips all over the front door and that people died after getting in--and not before. The Iron Maiden was introduced in Germany. Even though it is commonly believed that it was used in the Middle Ages, the truth is that it was invented a few centuries later. Very few people had the misfortune of experiencing what it feels like to be trapped in this sarcophagus. Normally, the big door would be shut slowly; the tips crushing a person in agonizing pain. There was a tube in the bottom that made the victim see his own blood as it poured out of his body. The few people that did make it to this device lasted more than 2 days before death finally struck them.

The Inquisitional Chair or Spiked Chair

An instrument of torture which originated from the witch trial era, The Spiked Chair is covered with spikes on the back, arms, seat, on the leg-rests, and on the foot-rests. To make the spikes piercing the body even more effective and torturous, they also used a screw system. The bars, either made of iron or wood, fastened the victim around the waist, around the wrists, and around the chest or bust. The seat was often made of iron that could be heated. These implements were used in Germany up until the 19th century, in Italy and in Spain up until the end of the 1700s, in France and in other central European countries, according to certain sources, up until the end of 1800.

The Branks

The Branks or Scold's Bridle is a sort of metal gag, which was principally used on scolding housewives. It was typically fashioned as a cage that locked onto the head, aided by a metal protrusion that fit into the mouth. This tongue-piece was often enhanced with spikes or a rowel (small spiked wheel) to discourage attempts to speak. They appear to have originated in Scotland in the 16th century and passed from there to England and thence to the Americas, although there is some evidence that a type of branks may have been used even earlier. Some were also fitted with a chain to permit securing the wearer in a public place. Ancient houses in Congleton, Cheshire had a hook fixed beside the fireplace to which the town gaoler could fix the community bridle if the wife nagged too much. Occasionally a bell on a spring was added to herald the approach of the wearer. An example of this type is on display in the Torture Chamber of the Tower of London. Branks were also used to silence witches to prevent them from chanting or reciting their magic spells. In the Americas, the branks were a type of humiliation punishment, while in medieval Europe, they were used more as a torture device.

The Breast Ripper

Cold or red-hot, the four claws slowly ripped to formless masses the breasts of countless women condemned for heresy, blasphemy, adultery and many other “libidinous acts”, self-induced abortion, erotic white magic and other crimes. In various places at various times –in some regions of France and Germany until the early nineteenth century– a “bite” with a red-hot ripper was inflicted upon one breast of unmarried mothers, often whilst their creatures, splattered with maternal blood, writhed on the ground at their feet. Besides the punitive function, breast-ripping also served as an interrogational and juridical procedure.

The Pear of Anguish

Feared in Europe during the Medieval Times, the Pear of Anguish was an extremely painful device used to punish and torture women who committed adultery and performed abortions; also liars, blasphemers, homosexuals, and witches. The pear shaped instrument was inserted into one of the victim’s orifices: the vagina for women, the anus for homosexuals, and the mouth for liars and blasphemers. The instrument consisted of four leaves that slowly separated from each other as the torturer turned the screw at the top; increasing the pain, tearing the skin, and mutilating the victim’s orifice. The Pear of Anguish was mostly commonly used for oral punishments; it would destroy teeth, dislocate, or even break the jawbones. If introduced in the anus or vagina, it would rupture the sensitive membranes and tissues of the areas resulting in severe internal mutilation. The instrument was rarely washed, thus causing infections very frequently. Pears of Anguish still in existence are lavishly engraved or adorned to differentiate between the anal, vaginal, and oral pears. This form of torture rarely brought death, but was often followed by other torture methods.

Unsaid

The time has come my love, I must let you go..... I've given you years

of my life, you've left me alone with nothing to show..... You will

break my heart no longer, I will not follow..... I must move forward

pushing against the tears..... You fooled me with your empty

promises..... You lead me to believe false truths..... You selfishly

drug my child into the middle of it all..... Why do you need to play

games, I do not understand..... What is it that you want from me.....

You tell me how incredibly beautiful I am..... You tell me you have

never loved anyone as much as I..... You make love to me with a

passion so deep, so intense..... You tell me that I am the perfect

woman for you..... You smile and look at me as if you truly mean what

you say..... Then after I turn and walk out the door, you return your

attention to her..... Do you tell her the very same things you tell me,

I would be a fool to think not..... Do you touch and cherish her with

the same amount of passion, of course you do..... It has become

obvious that she owns your heart, I try but cannot compete..... My

love, although truly pure, is simply not enough..... I will never

really have you, at least not to keep..... You love me, you need me,

you want me so badly; so you say..... Yet it is never enough to

convince you to stay.....

My Love

I lay beneath you upon a bed of clouds

I watch you, as you ever so gently caress my naked body

You look at me and without saying a word, I can feel you

I become entangled within you; both emotionally and physically

The emotions are intense, unlike any I have ever felt before

Within the room there is a sexual silence

A shared moment of deep romantic passion

As you kiss me, I feel myself becoming vulnerable

The taste of you takes my breath away

An immediate rush captures my soul

As I feel you inside of me I begin drifting away; into our secret world

You whisper, "You are an incredible lover"

I respond whispering, "You are too"

We exchange smiles of unmeasurable desire and pleasure

For the moment we have become "us," we have become one again

Sweat begins rushing from beneath my skin

My body is trembling with delight

As I reach orgasm you hold me and look powerfully into my eyes

Your gaze penetrates my heart, the very essence of my being

I love you, I belong to you

I wish to never leave; as if you ever gave my heart the option

I am truly, unmistakably, and forever yours