The Best Decision

For nearly 15 years of my life I have been on a downhill slide, making bad decisions and wasting away precious moments of my life. Searching endlessly for anything and everything that could possibly fill the empty void torturing and holding my soul hostage. Careless behaviors, drugs, men, more careless behaviors... followed by more drugs... and more men... and more drugs... and more men... and more careless behaviors... my life has been a circle of complete fucking misery, ignorance, and chaos for entirely too long.

I am tired of handing out bits and pieces of myself to men who honestly do not, and never will give a shit about who I really am as an individual. The feelings of emptiness, disgust, and regret would always follow. Not to mention the constant disappointment of never actually getting to have an orgasm. A pointless and meaningless cycle of going through the motions just for the sake of an attempt. Every time hoping it would somehow feel different the next time... hoping for once it would actually feel right... hoping it would somehow fill the void...

So then a million more careless behaviors and bad decisions later I get married... to a man that I know I am not honestly in love with... I knew it was wrong before I did it... I ask myself still... Why?... Another attempt to fill the void... A want to shift my already painful life in a different direction... A situation that I was guilted and bullied into... A situation that obviously did not have a chance at lasting... thank fucking goodness!!!

Typically you would think that I had learned my lesson by this point, having already shit a total of approximately 11 years of my life down the drain. Nope!!... I proceed to, for the second time, fall utterly head over heels in love with a man, who years before I had shared some extremely brief, but beautiful moments with. A man who since the first night I met him, captured my soul. A man that for the first time, truly filled the emptiness that had for so long plagued me. A man who came with a guarantee of at least five orgasms with every experience. YES!!! A man who although repeatedly confessed his undying love for me, refused to leave his wife. GASP!!! What a totally fucked up situation it was... Can't blame him for the outcome... I totally knew better... It just felt so perfect that I didn't care...

So here I am, at the been failing for fifteen years mark, starting a new year of my life... with a great big broken beautiful emptiness within my soul... and a determination to pick up and put back together the pieces of myself lying broken, and scattered upon the ground. Have I learned to quit making unwise decisions?... I guess only time will reveal the entire truth. But for now I have made one clear decision... the best decision that I have made for myself in a long time... after years of trying and failing, I have officially given up... the funny part is I do not feel defeated... I feel relieved and at peace... the void and emptiness have gone... No longer am I handing out random parts of myself... I have gathered the pieces back up and I am selfishly hanging on to all of me...

It feels fabulous...