lost....

What did I ever do to deserve a life full of constant pain and tears....?

hungry?

It has been nearly 8 months since my last intense struggle with my eating disorder... I thought I had finally progressed enough, I thought I had overcome it for the most part... unfortunately I have relapsed and become victim to it again... I had forgotten how painful it could be... starving yourself for no logical reason... I know that it is a psychological issue... I am aware it could have a potentially fatal outcome... still I don't know how to stop doing it... I don't know how to escape it...

It is a feeling like no other I have ever experienced... exhausting and painful on so many different levels... mentally, emotionally, and physically...

It begins slowly... I can feel my body growing tired... my strength weakening... my mind growing fuzzy... my life begins to shift... I become unable to clearly connect thoughts... I lose all ability to reason or think normally... I become withdrawn... feeling constantly and uncontrollably agitated with everyone and everything around me... the pain and nausea in my stomach becomes unbearable... I begin throwing up repeatedly... my body frantically searching for any sign of that which sustains life... I become drained emotionally... unable to process feelings... my emotions run together and become entirely random... my anxiety takes over... I become unable to breathe or find comfort of any kind... I become unsure if my thoughts and feelings are even real... I know that I am killing myself slowly... but I am unable to even think about allowing myself to eat... even if it means collapsing in the floor as a result... even if it means losing my life...

It is very frightening... I have asked many times "why do I keep doing this to myself"... still I am unable to formulate a solid reason... maybe it is a distraction technique... maybe it is my giving up on myself and life... maybe something is just fucked up in my head... I don't know why...

I do know that it makes me become someone that I am not... It makes me hate who I am... It makes me feel completely worthless as an individual... It makes me act out in ways that are entirely untypical of my normal behavior... It makes me hurt the people around me... It makes me hurt the people that I love... It makes me hurt myself... It makes me hate being alive... It turns me into a monster... It destroys my life...

I am ashamed... yet unable to find a way out... unable to find anyone who understands... unable to find anyone who will listen... unable to find anyone who is willing to help... I am alone... facing struggles that may one day take what is left of my life from me if I cannot learn to gain control...

A poem

Thinking of you this evening, I think
of mystery; I think of umbrellas of
crystal Shading a cinnamon sea; I
think of swallow-tailed shadows
Enveloping history; And the past
becomes the future, And the present
is yet to be; And life is a
rain-swept mirror Through which
perpetually A girl with bright hair
flowing, Dappled dark coat
blowing, Into the unknown,
knowing, Walks with me.