so tender eyes
such a smile
i'm consumed again
by the look
look you throw my way
the two of us alone now
you and me
what could we
what could we get up to tonight
on our day off
away from my wife
away from your man
away from our lives
here stuck together
you and i
man see it
well lady
won't you have a
another glass of wine
maybe we can loosen up
loosen up our minds and
take this rollercoaster
into tomorrow morning
rogue kiss sweat
and say mine there tonight
i've been meaning for your eyes
and your lips
been stealing me away now
said to watch you and me walk well
i say you and i away
say be mine tonight
tomorrow we'll go back to being friends
go back to be friends
you and i
i know this smile
never felt this
and yes tonight recklessly
recklessly play
you play my game
and i'll play lovers
and can we roll
sweat kiss and live out
live out until the morning
the sun creeps up on us
tells us go home
tells us go home again
tell us to go back to our marriage
and children children children
say it
lets say i love you tonight
lets lay low
lets sip on another glass of wine
and say tonight you will be mine
well i've only taste of your love on my mouth
and taste of mine in yourself
and lets stay up
and forgive it
forgive it
and sail away today
and tomorrow go back to being friends
tomorrow go back to being friends
say oh pretty pretty pretty girl of mine
i'm taken
i'm smitten with you
oh say you will say you will over
i do i will
i play with you same and still
wandering with me
take all of it
stay with me for a moment
saying stop
not saying stop but stay
leave on my mind
oh no one's to blame
lover wait
life, oh my life
i love you
god no
oh my love my love my love
my life my life
love
say goodbye
say goodbye
say goodbye
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
What if...
What if I told you it is time for things to change between us?
What if I told you I am tired of being patient?
What if I told you I am tired of understanding?
What if I told you I give up?
What if I told you I no longer believe your reasons for staying?
What if I told you I am tired of being pushed off to the side?
What if I told you If you truly loved me you would be here with me?
What if I told you you must choose, me or her?
What if I told you whatever your decision, it will be final?
What if I told you if you choose her you will not see me again?
What if I told you I love you and choosing her would be a mistake?
What if I told you I need you?
What if I told you I can give you the twenty years of happiness you've always talked about?
What if I told you I can make you feel things other women cannot?
What if I told you I want to share your fantasies?
What if I told you I want to help you fulfill your dreams?
What if I told you I promise to give myself to no one else but you?
What if I told you my life is incomplete without you in it?
What if I told you we have what it takes to make a beautiful life together?
What if I told you I promise to forever cherish you and never cause you any pain?
What if I told you we belong together?
What if I told you all these things, would it make a difference?
What if I told you I am tired of being patient?
What if I told you I am tired of understanding?
What if I told you I give up?
What if I told you I no longer believe your reasons for staying?
What if I told you I am tired of being pushed off to the side?
What if I told you If you truly loved me you would be here with me?
What if I told you you must choose, me or her?
What if I told you whatever your decision, it will be final?
What if I told you if you choose her you will not see me again?
What if I told you I love you and choosing her would be a mistake?
What if I told you I need you?
What if I told you I can give you the twenty years of happiness you've always talked about?
What if I told you I can make you feel things other women cannot?
What if I told you I want to share your fantasies?
What if I told you I want to help you fulfill your dreams?
What if I told you I promise to give myself to no one else but you?
What if I told you my life is incomplete without you in it?
What if I told you we have what it takes to make a beautiful life together?
What if I told you I promise to forever cherish you and never cause you any pain?
What if I told you we belong together?
What if I told you all these things, would it make a difference?
Monday, August 2, 2010
Artwork I am fond of...
Title: Death and Life
Artist: Gustav Klimt
Year: 1911
Medium: Oil on canvas
Dimensions: 178 cm x 198 cm
Location: Private Collection
Title: The Agnew Clinic
Artist: Thomas Eakins
Year: 1889
Medium: Oil on canvas
Dimensions: 214 cm × 300 cm
Location: John Morgan Building at the University of Pennsylvania
Title: Dance-The Seven Arts
Artist: Salvador Dali
Year: 1957
Medium: Oil on canvas
Dimensions: 84 cm x 114 cm
Location: Private Collection
Title: Artillery Men in the Shower
Artist: Ernst Ludwig Kirchner
Year: 1915
Medium: Oil on canvas
Dimensions: 140 cm x 152 cm
Location: Solomon R. Guggenheim, New York
Title: Weeping Nude
Artist: Edvard Munch
Year: 1913
Medium: Oil on canvas
Dimensions: 110.5 cm x 135 cm
Location: The Munch Museum / The Munch-Ellingsen Group, New York
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Shattered Recollections
As a growing child I was always taught that marriage was something very special... I was taught that it was a commitment which was to be taken very seriously... as it was supposed to last forever... complete and everlasting trust, honesty, togetherness, support, happiness, love, faithfulness, compassion, unselfishness, growth, learning, pleasure in both giving and receiving... and the list goes on... point being... all characteristics that a genuine marriage should contain... all characteristics completely opposite of the ones my "so called marriage" contained...
I waisted six years of my life in a relationship with a man who in no way appreciated or loved me... His excuse for all the vicious behavior was always, "but I love you and I just don't want anything to happen to you or our relationship..." Delusional and insane... I truly believe so...
I didn't realize just how extremely horrific the situation was until I had finally escaped it completely... I was not his wife... I was a prisoner...
I was never allowed to have in my possession a key to my own home... the house we lived in had three sets of keys to both the front and back doors... two normal sets and a spare that was hanging on a nail under the porch... when I asked for a key of my own I was told no... he said the only reason I wanted a key of my own was so I could go out during the day fucking other men while he was at work... he said I had no friends, lived forty minutes from town, and therefore had no need to be going anywhere... the argument over having my own set of keys was reoccurring... no matter how many times I asked, I was always denied... followed by my being tortured for even asking... as if I had asked for something that was utterly unreasonable... so one day after he left for work I decided to crawl under the porch and get the spare set of keys... I planned on secretly keeping them for my own.. I figured, he already had two sets of keys, he would never notice the spare set missing... I crawled under the porch only to discover... no spare keys... all three sets were in his possession...
He used to go out and leave me home alone for hours at a time... I would sit at home reading, cleaning, and watching television... doing absolutely nothing wrong... one day after he left I opened the door and ventured out on the porch... when I opened the door a piece of paper fell on me... I thought nothing of it, picked it up, threw it away, and continued... when he arrived home he began throwing things, screaming at me, and accusing me of cheating on him... of course I hadn't, but defending myself was purposeless... by the time the fight was over I had discovered... the piece of paper that had fallen on me had been purposely stashed there by him upon his leaving... it was his way of finding out whether or not I had remained inside the house while he was gone...
I was never allowed to get the mail out of the mailbox... He had to go through every piece of mail that was mine before I was allowed to have it... in order to ensure that I was not cheating on him or hiding anything... the only mail I usually ever got was from my family... and if it contained money I was not allowed to keep it... I was forced to hand it over for him to manage... and my cell phone and credit card bills... as you can imagine... gone through entirely to ensure that I was not spending money or talking on the phone to anyone not permitted... the numbers that he did not recognize on the phone bill he would force me to sit down and call in his presence so that he could ensure I was not misbehaving...
When he got upset or just had a bad day and needed someone to take it out on... I was always the unlucky prey... one of his favorite things to do was kick over the trash can in the kitchen... trash would fly all over the floor and the wall, making a horribly gross mess... sometimes he would wait until I got it cleaned up and immediately kick it over again... it seemed as if he did it just so he could enjoy watching me cry, as I sit in the floor cleaning it all up...
I was never allowed to know his work schedule... if I knew what time he was going to return home I could sneak guys in and out and misbehave without getting caught... one day he returned home from work... as usual, he came in the door screaming at me... calling me names and degrading me... typically, I had done nothing wrong... he was screaming something about there being unknown vehicle tracks in the gravel driveway... he claimed that I was fucking some guy who had been there while he was at work... as usual I began trying to defend myself... pointless... it escalated into a very violent fight... the truth of the matter... no one had even been in the driveway all day... not even the mailman... it was all in his head...
I was never allowed to leave the house without being chaperoned by him... and when we did venture out in public, it was nothing but a torture session anyway... I had to walk around staring at the floor... no joke... every time I looked up or around I got accused of flirting with or looking at other guys... any adventure in public was guaranteed to lead to a domestic dispute upon returning home... it got to the point when he said he was going into town I would beg to stay at home, just to avoid the conflict... plus, I knew if I got him to go into town by himself he would wander off to a bar before returning home... this would buy me a several more hours of peace and quiet to attempt to be myself before he returned home to abuse me again...
My entire so called "married life" was agonizing hell... a nightmare that I still to this day do everything I possibly can to forget about... never did I do anything to deserve to be treated so awfully... nearly every battle was caused by his own insecurities and control issues... his imagination... his mental instability... his fear that he would lose me...
He may have physically had me... locked up as a prisoner... with no means to escape... but, he never really knew me... or anything about me for that matter... the entire marriage and everything surrounding it was a total lie...
I find happiness and peace in the fact that although I was physically, mentally, and emotionally tortured and abused by him for all those years... I never shared with him my deepest secrets, fears, needs, wants, or fantasies... I never revealed or shared with him everything that I was hiding on the inside... I never revealed to him all the little neurotic things that make me who I am...
I never truly gave myself to him... I never truly belonged to him...
I waisted six years of my life in a relationship with a man who in no way appreciated or loved me... His excuse for all the vicious behavior was always, "but I love you and I just don't want anything to happen to you or our relationship..." Delusional and insane... I truly believe so...
I didn't realize just how extremely horrific the situation was until I had finally escaped it completely... I was not his wife... I was a prisoner...
I was never allowed to have in my possession a key to my own home... the house we lived in had three sets of keys to both the front and back doors... two normal sets and a spare that was hanging on a nail under the porch... when I asked for a key of my own I was told no... he said the only reason I wanted a key of my own was so I could go out during the day fucking other men while he was at work... he said I had no friends, lived forty minutes from town, and therefore had no need to be going anywhere... the argument over having my own set of keys was reoccurring... no matter how many times I asked, I was always denied... followed by my being tortured for even asking... as if I had asked for something that was utterly unreasonable... so one day after he left for work I decided to crawl under the porch and get the spare set of keys... I planned on secretly keeping them for my own.. I figured, he already had two sets of keys, he would never notice the spare set missing... I crawled under the porch only to discover... no spare keys... all three sets were in his possession...
He used to go out and leave me home alone for hours at a time... I would sit at home reading, cleaning, and watching television... doing absolutely nothing wrong... one day after he left I opened the door and ventured out on the porch... when I opened the door a piece of paper fell on me... I thought nothing of it, picked it up, threw it away, and continued... when he arrived home he began throwing things, screaming at me, and accusing me of cheating on him... of course I hadn't, but defending myself was purposeless... by the time the fight was over I had discovered... the piece of paper that had fallen on me had been purposely stashed there by him upon his leaving... it was his way of finding out whether or not I had remained inside the house while he was gone...
I was never allowed to get the mail out of the mailbox... He had to go through every piece of mail that was mine before I was allowed to have it... in order to ensure that I was not cheating on him or hiding anything... the only mail I usually ever got was from my family... and if it contained money I was not allowed to keep it... I was forced to hand it over for him to manage... and my cell phone and credit card bills... as you can imagine... gone through entirely to ensure that I was not spending money or talking on the phone to anyone not permitted... the numbers that he did not recognize on the phone bill he would force me to sit down and call in his presence so that he could ensure I was not misbehaving...
When he got upset or just had a bad day and needed someone to take it out on... I was always the unlucky prey... one of his favorite things to do was kick over the trash can in the kitchen... trash would fly all over the floor and the wall, making a horribly gross mess... sometimes he would wait until I got it cleaned up and immediately kick it over again... it seemed as if he did it just so he could enjoy watching me cry, as I sit in the floor cleaning it all up...
I was never allowed to know his work schedule... if I knew what time he was going to return home I could sneak guys in and out and misbehave without getting caught... one day he returned home from work... as usual, he came in the door screaming at me... calling me names and degrading me... typically, I had done nothing wrong... he was screaming something about there being unknown vehicle tracks in the gravel driveway... he claimed that I was fucking some guy who had been there while he was at work... as usual I began trying to defend myself... pointless... it escalated into a very violent fight... the truth of the matter... no one had even been in the driveway all day... not even the mailman... it was all in his head...
I was never allowed to leave the house without being chaperoned by him... and when we did venture out in public, it was nothing but a torture session anyway... I had to walk around staring at the floor... no joke... every time I looked up or around I got accused of flirting with or looking at other guys... any adventure in public was guaranteed to lead to a domestic dispute upon returning home... it got to the point when he said he was going into town I would beg to stay at home, just to avoid the conflict... plus, I knew if I got him to go into town by himself he would wander off to a bar before returning home... this would buy me a several more hours of peace and quiet to attempt to be myself before he returned home to abuse me again...
My entire so called "married life" was agonizing hell... a nightmare that I still to this day do everything I possibly can to forget about... never did I do anything to deserve to be treated so awfully... nearly every battle was caused by his own insecurities and control issues... his imagination... his mental instability... his fear that he would lose me...
He may have physically had me... locked up as a prisoner... with no means to escape... but, he never really knew me... or anything about me for that matter... the entire marriage and everything surrounding it was a total lie...
I find happiness and peace in the fact that although I was physically, mentally, and emotionally tortured and abused by him for all those years... I never shared with him my deepest secrets, fears, needs, wants, or fantasies... I never revealed or shared with him everything that I was hiding on the inside... I never revealed to him all the little neurotic things that make me who I am...
I never truly gave myself to him... I never truly belonged to him...
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