Hidden

My world has always been odd
My entire life I've been alone
Appearing mostly normal on the outside
Feeling completely anomalous on the inside
Learning what I must do to fit in
Pretending as if it came naturally

Knowing my life would be different
Accepting all the consequences
I do not have any regrets about who I am
It is my peculiar individuality I cherish
Unpredictable and intense define my adventures
A story which is all except ordinary

As the days pass....

I sit on my bed.... smoking a joint.... listening to Dave Matthews.... thinking.... feeling.... alone, as always.... I have been wanting to write for so long now.... I have so much that I want to get out.... yet, I have no idea how to convey it all.... I am feeling so much.... my mind is constantly racing.... thoughts of school.... financial issues.... my love.... the beautiful life that for a brief moment I was foolish enough to think was mine....

I spend so much time thinking about how the decisions that I have made in the past still effect me very much everyday.... I ponder, wondering if life will ever give me what I truly want.... I wish I could express the feelings bottled up inside of me.... I feel like I have been through so much that I just want to sit silently.... I don't want to talk about it.... I don't yet know how to even approach dealing with it all right now.... half of me is withdrawn and hiding.... the other half of me wants to stand up and just scream like a fucking crazy person....

I have never felt such an intensity of emotion.... emotion that I cannot escape or hide from.... it has changed who I am completely and forever.... I have never been more pleased with myself, who I am inside, and my educational progress.... I have finally got my self heading in the right direction for once.... I have overcome an addiction issue.... yet, I still struggle when I begin hurting.... my first instinct is to medicate and hide from the pain.... but I have learned that it only blurs the reality of it all.... I have learned to face the hurt.... I have learned to suffer through it.... taking it moment by moment.... staying sober and conquering....

I work hard at trying figure out how to triumph over my eating disorder.... although I have not yet learned how to stop the crash cycle.... everyday I am learning more and more how to recover.... I have learned that it is triggered by emotional pain.... I can feel it coming.... I can feel myself spiraling down and crashing.... I don't have control yet.... I hope that one day I will overcome this also....

I am in denial about nothing.... I have learned to confront fear and pain.... fight until it all breaks me down.... then I get back up and start the entire wonderful cycle again.... I have gone from being afraid of it all to being pissed off.... I have this deep inner me that screams Fuck You at all the hurt, addiction, and disorders.... they may get me down, but I will get back up.... and I will be stronger each time.... until one day I will succeed....

I am a very determined individual.... it drives me.... I am a stubborn asshole.... sometimes to the point of foolishness.... sometimes I feel like the line between my being so big hearted and unwise becomes indistinct.... I have learned many lessons over the past few years.... some that have cost me an entire lifetime full of happiness.... some that have and will forever lead me through the difficult times.... the times when I feel like I am surrounded by failure....

I guess one way to look at it all is.... in order to experience absolute pleasure and joy you must first experience utter suffering.... I have reached a point in my life where I am ready, determined, and completely sure about pursuing exactly what it is that I want.... I know what I need.... I know what exactly it is that I want to feel.... I know where I want to be.... although I may not have access to all of my wants and needs at this very moment.... I will never surrender....

I will not let my losses, regrets, and hurt destroy me completely.... life is all about change.... I am learning to deal with this very harsh reality.... I am learning to let go of the past in order to make way for the next crazy series of events life is going to hurl at me.... as I push full force through the madness, I will always hold on to the hope that I will one day get exactly what it is that I want....

I want him to be mine, to hold on to forever.... I want my eating disorder and addiction to be just a fading memory.... I want to continue to conquer my fears.... I want to continue to chase my desires.... I want to continue to write.... I want to continue sorting out my emotions without medication.... I want to continue to dance through the adventures of life.... learning.... discovering.... changing.... and progressing....

I'll Back You Up

I remember thinking
I'll go on forever only knowing
I'll see you again
But I know
The touch of you is hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other
And for sure we have danced
In the risk of each other
Would you like to dance
Around the world with me

I'll be falling all about my own thing
And I know you're the heaviest weight
When you're not here that's hung
Around my head

And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest view
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I'll back you up

I remember thinking
Sometimes we walk
Sometimes we run away
But I know
No matter how fast we are running
Somehow we keep
Somehow we keep up with each other

I'll be falling all about my own thing
And I know you're the heaviest weight
When you're not here that's hung
Around my head

And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest view
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I'll back you up